Well... here I am about to take a HUGE plunge. At least it's huge to me. I'm going back to school. Mind you most will be done online and it's only 2 classes a semester but seeing how it's been 33 years since I've done any schooling, I'm terrified. See, back in the day I was one of those students who didn't take college prep type classes, but did the basics of high school while I never cracked a book and yet pulled decent grades. I was the kid that the mom would ask, "Do you have any homework today?" and I'd answer, "No, did it at school." Sometimes I actually DID do it at school, actually if it didn't get done at school, it just wasn't happening. Period. It didn't seem to affect my grades or bring concern to my parents and sure not to me at the time.
Yes, I could have went to college IF I had wanted to. I didn't want to at the time. There were several factors in my making that determination for my life as an all wise teenager with wisdom beyond her years (sarcasm here). After all, I was "in love". My high school sweetheart (just as brilliant as I was BTW) also had the same idea that love somehow trumps everything life can throw your way. It was a bit later when we both realized that sometimes reality isn't what you thought it was.
So, what factors prevented me? Well, factor #1: I thought I was smarter than all the adults who told me not to get married first thing out of school. Factor #2: Love isn't always what you think it is, especially with all the wisdom of a 17 year old with raging hormones and way smarter than her parents (and all other adults). Factor #3: I was brainwashed by television that life would put me living in a house with a white picket fence with 2.5 smiling children who didn't misbehave greeting my 9-5 businessman husband with a kiss each day with dinner on the table in our perfect house having a perfect life where all problems could be solved in half an hour (minus the time for commercial interruptions). Factor #4: I didn't know what I wanted to be when I grew up besides a wife and mother. Factor #5: I was absolutely terrified of what my idea of going to college meant thus avoided it with every ounce of my being.
What was going on in my head to make me think a college education was so terrifying? Being alone. Yup, alone. Being the brilliant teenager I was I'm sure you're wondering what was I thinking? In retrospect I'm wondering the same darn thing! Most young adults can't wait to get out on their own, explore and make a life without adult supervision, after all, they are now the adults, right? Not this girl... nope. It was easier to take a chance and play adult than going to college and actually being entirely responsible for myself. Yup, the idea of the picket fence and perfect house, family, blah, blah, blah seemed much safer than going to college, having to take care of myself alone, and then actually make a life with a degree of some kind on my own. After all, there'd be expectations if I went to college. I didn't think I could live up to them, so I didn't. It was way easier I thought to get married, have kids and live happily ever after. Needless to say, I got educated. No degree, but plenty of battle scars and stretch marks.
You know what's really hard? Admitting defeat and having to tell your parents "You were right." Yup, that sucks. Especially when Mr. Wonderful wasn't the 9-5 hero you thought he was and kids with not so smiling peanut butter faces and grimy hands living in a trailer is what you get. Worse still is having it all fall apart and having to take those peanut butter faces with you to live with your parents. I'm also a slow learner... I had to do that twice.
Eventually I figured some stuff out, met a decent guy and although we don't have a 9-5 life and a picket fence, we do okay. I just never in those 33 years since high school had another opportunity to go back to school. I still haven't decided what I want to be when I grow up either, but I'm closer than I was back then because now I know what I don't want to be when I grow up.
Regretful.
Yes, everyone has some regrets, it's just the process of life. It's part of learning what's important and what's not. It's also the price we pay for not listening to those older and wiser. I'm still learning some of this stuff and my ego gets in my way and causes all sorts of trouble sometimes, but I hope I've learned enough to avoid some avoidable regrets. That's part of the free degree you get from the school of Life & Hard Knocks, whether you purposely enrolled or not.
So my new adventure is a program to prepare me to pursue a degree of one kind or another. It's called Pathway. It includes three 14 week semesters where I'll be taking one academic and one religion course per term to complete the program. I then can take classes from BYU-Idaho for a reduced rate that's cheaper than the local community college.
My goal is to complete the program. I'm sure that doesn't sound hard. To me it's going to be a big challenge because for the last 33 years every day of my life can be explained as "flying by the seat of my pants". I've had no real routine or schedule with the exceptions of times I've been in the workforce, but that's been years ago. Other than going to church on Sundays I have no day to day requirements that give structure to my life, and there is a two-year-old terrorist in our house every other week whom I love to the moon and back (but he's still a terrorist). I've never really completed anything in my life since high school, with the exception of pregnancies (you kind of have no choice in completing those). I've been really good at starting things, but not so good at finishing things.
So, completing the program to me is a big deal. I need to attend weekly student gatherings and maintain a B average or better to move through the program and have the blessings of paid tuition. On my own I could probably manage that (it's only 5 credit hours per term), but with a family and absolutely no self-discipline I'm concerned about it. We all have to be in a routine of some kind to pull this off. Fortunately I do have family support (not sure about the terrorist). It's a now or never thing, as I'm not sure there will ever be another opportunity or time for me to do this. I'm excited but terrified.
We'll see... classes start Monday.
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